George Carter
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Embracing Ambiguity

| Monday 29th April, 2024

I was looking for something back in the depths of my journal this morning and something really leapt out at me…

For some time I’ve not really known what I want to do with my life.

I knew I wanted to get out of a situation I was stuck in, a marriage and home that were holding me back. But what do I want? That’s harder to fathom. The problem with being a multi-potentialite is that I know almost anything is possible if I put my mind to it, and that leads to choice paralysis.

But the thing that leapt out at me? It was actually from The Velvet Rage, a book about growing up as a gay man in a straight world and the mental gymnastics and issues that result from that. But I think it applies to much of life, and especially the trials of CPTSD recovery…

In a section about Stage Three, it talks about settling… (Stage One is denial, Stage Two is overcompensation—ie. being “FABULOUS”, Stage Three is settling comfortably into ones identity as a gay man).

Anyway… here’s what it said:

The greatest danger inherent in Stage Three is that the gay man will foreclose on ambiguity. Rather than allow this lack of clarity to resolve itself naturally, like a snow globe, he attempts to create artificial clarity and too quickly defines and endpoint for his journey.”

Wow. Guilty. Not just in the world of coming out, but in life in general. I keep having “This is it! This is the one!” moments, only to find a few hours, days or weeks later that is isn’t “the one” at all. I’m still trying to force a definition of who I am and what I do before spending the time to really get to know myself. If I don’t yet know what I like, what I want, what I don’t want, what I’m no longer willing to put up with, how can I fathom an endpoint?

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