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Around 2017/18 I had a “dark night of the soul”. It’s that time when life suddenly stops making sense. You ask yourself, in the words of Talking Heads, “How did I get here?”
And I had no idea.
But what I knew was that “here” wasn’t somewhere I wanted to be. I had created a persona to be “successful” in business and he was so far from my true self that it was absolutely exhausting just maintaining basic life functions.
And so I considered ending it all.
I went for a very long walk in the middle of the night and as I walked along the deserted streets my mind slowly came to a realisation… it wasn’t me that needed to die… it was him.
And if I had considered not being here at all, then I was finally free to do anything I liked. And if it turned out badly I could always follow through with ‘Plan A’ later.
I tapped into my soul. Into my spirit. But that was only the start of it. I’d had my dark night of the soul… the following five years were a “dark night of everything else”.
It has literally taken five years for my physical world, my mental world and my emotional world to catch up with where my spirit went.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any quicker… maybe it’s our “quick fix, hustle, instant reward” culture we now live in. Or the input of influencers showing their more-than-perfect lives (without acknowledging the shit-show going on behind the scenes).
And on that note… sure, there’s still a shit-show behind the scenes… but my inner child is walking alongside me, head held high, feeling safe, confident and happy (for the first time in my life).
I don’t for a minute think I’m out of the woods… an emotional flashback can come at any time. But I do feel the dawn coming from my ‘dark night of everything’. I was, just last week, asking ChatGPT when you’re supposed to start thriving after CPTSD recovery. Seems it was darkest before the dawn as they often say.
If you are in recovery, hang in there… keep walking along that road… have faith and hope… it’s coming…
Tags: CPTSD, Spirituality, Success
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